shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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