The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
