I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
