I'm lost and stupid without you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize