I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
