Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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