the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize