I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
