The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
