Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
