Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize