I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
