Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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