my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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