you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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