I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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