Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
