Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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