Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
