Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
