I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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