Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
