I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
