yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
