Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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