you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
