My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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