is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I intend to get homeless drunk
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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