So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
