look no pants
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
