I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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