When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
