I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize