A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize