He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
