I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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