i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
