Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I could fuck to npr.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
