I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
