The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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