seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
