yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
