guys are not supposed to queef...right?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
