There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
