M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
