not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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