My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we should paint friendship bongs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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