Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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