Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
sex in a hospital.. check
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
