I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
