Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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