i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
