i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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