You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
