What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize