Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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