i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
