I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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