Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
