I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
